Basis for Unification Family Therapy
Helping The New Tradition of Marriage Be Established:
Unification Family Therapy
Basis for Unification Family Therapy
Unification Family Therapy
Basis for Unification Family Therapy
Yulian UTS, January 2001: Unification Family Therapy
The primary object of Unification Family Therapy is to set forth a psychological application of the teachings of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon. It is intended as a presentation of Unification Principle as a psychological system, comparing it with such traditional systems. The material is presented in the form of a lecture series on basic issues setting the framework of the Unification Psychology; I hope in the near future to be able to publish a more academic edition. It may seem that this eddition conveys more of the atmosphere of a workroom. This first work in the area of Unification Family Therapy takes up many subjects only to leave them unfinished as biriliant but provisional formulations; these include the origin of evil (psychoanalises of the fall), the problem of identifying the humanism (critique and contraproposal), the similarities and differencess between men and women (theory of personality).
Thus, few important issues will be dealt with in this first chapter of the book; Why we need to develop the Unification view on Therapy? What are the objectives of this Therapy? What "horizontal" and "vertical" therapeutic methods do exist and how they correspond to the Unificationist view? And not less important, what role sexuality plays for the healthy Marriage? Answering to these questions, this first chapter is to set the framework for development of the Unification view on therapy. The next two chapters, dealing with the external (practical) and the internal (spiritual) aspects of the Unification Family Therapy, will go in some concrete therapeutic strategies for resolving the husband-wife problems. As it was mentioned, in no way that book aims to clear up all the issues, yet my hope is at list to start what is in future to be expended as a very important ideological implication of the Unificationist Worldview – that of Unification Psychology, Unification Psychoanalysis, and Unification Therapy.
The Need for Unification Family Therapy
The first issue, of course, is can psychology help Blessed families become true families? At list we need to review what from psychoanalysis is helpful and what harmful for attaining our ideals. As Hyun Jin Moon declared on his inauguration as FFWPU Vice President:
It is within the family, then, that we find all the essential relationships of heart that teach us about faith, trust, obedience, compassion, forgiveness, humility, openness and most of all true, unconditional love. It is within the family that our social consciousness is formed and our worldview molded. (11)
For that reason, it is important to become conscious of one thing; a true family is unlike from being just a good humanistic family. We read in the news how children of what is considered “good families” go armed in the school and shoot other children. Obviously “good families” as by the world concept is not enough. As Dae Mo Nim in “The Chung Pyung Providence and the Way of Blessed Families” warns:
We should abide by the Principle centering on God and True Parents in all respects so that we receive the heavenly fortune. Unfortunately, however, there are still blessed families who are little different from the people of the world.[1]
She warns us that many blessed families are little different from the people of the world. That raises some important questions; Do we realize that difference? Why blessed families who originally aimed for the highest ideals ended not to be different from regular family? What exactly is the difference?
The word “true”, in “true family”, implies unchanging standard vertically given by God. Blessed families believe in this vertical standard, yet they are personally responsible to substantiate it horizontally. And that is where the real difficulty comes, how to make “True Love” not to be just an ideal, but a substantial reality in life? To create such family, therefore, becomes a very serious objective. It is the most serious matter in our life, way more important than having good job, house or car.
If we fail in that there is no chance we can talk of restoring the world. The love between the husband and wife, according to Rev. Moon, is not just the core of the family, but the beginning of the Kingdom of Heaven
How can we tell apart the standard of the True Parents from those accepted in today’s world? This chapter has to sharply elucidate the differences, by examining some dangerous concepts that may easily mislead many Unificationists. Our learning comes from experience, and experiences become inseparable part of our identity. In fact we often do not realize when our ideas of family are very humanistic and mostly based on what we have seen and experience in the fallen world. So we should learn to distinguish these humanistic elements in our culture and be able to separate from them. As Dae Mo Nim pointed in her speech, on her visit in Europe : “Humanism in ourselves is our biggest enemy.” So let us start with the consequences of the fall.
Psychological Effects from the Fall
What is unique underlying concept in the Unification Family Therapy? Of course that is the view on the cause of all existing problems. Problem started as a sexual misconduct and had major effect on our heart – ability to love. Therapy is needed today, precisely because of the lack of "True Love" in the families and the society.
Love that barely has anything to do with the word "True" is everywhere around us, not from yesterday but from the beginning of the human history. It started with the sexual fall in the first human family, Adam and Eve, which connected all mankind with Satan’s love, Satan’s life and Satan’s lineage. We have to realize that this is a revolutionary discovery. Something that will totally transform psychology as it is known, and open new horizons for its effectiveness.
The psychological effect from the Fall of the first human family on the consequent generations was devastating. Man degraded in a state of psychological instability expressed in emotional immaturity as well as very irrational intellectual functioning. We can see many examples for that in psychology. Elis reviles that we are irrational beings; Rogers
...without our being aware of it, we are driven by evil forces to abandon the goodness which our original mind desires and to perform evil deeds which, in our innermost heart, we do not want to do. (The Human Fall)
This immaturity of our mind functioning, namely of the intellect, emotions and will, which is our internal four-position foundation of creativity, degraded our ability to love to very selfish and underdeveloped level. That falseness of love is clearly expressed in the struggles penetrating the husband-wife affairs, and the consequent struggles among brothers and sisters, closest relatives, neighboring nations and different races, all throughout the history. We are not created to live and function correctly in these circumstances. For this reason we feel unsatisfied, even depressed, in this fallen world filled with mistrust and corruption.
Development of Psychology: In Search of Solution
Psychology developed, explains Pierre Daco, to research human behavior, correct it, show the deviations, and restore his original internal freedom.[2] Divine Principle teaches that until we find the freedom of the Original mind we cannot find rest. Throughout the history people have yearned for something greater, for our ideals and dreams of true love to be fulfilled.
With the development of psychoanalysis in the last century many of the psychological dysfunctions came under detailed examination. This revealed the inner complexes and unconscious mechanisms that torture and twist the personality. Freud could understand one very essential point; at the root of all psychological problems is sexuality. Yet, he did not know the origin of that and no one understood what the ideal state was to be. Psychology slowly developed as a replacement of religion in its aim of solving the deepest tortures of the human mind. In fact there is enough evidence that in its development psychology was imitating many of the religious practices in achieving that, yet in one purely humanistic way.
Humanistic psychology early came to recognize the central role of the family in perpetuating the problems and came to the conclusion that parental influences cause the problems. Not knowing the real root of the observed problems they could not but bring even further complications. In their aim of reducing the tension psychologists tried to bring bigger independence of children from their parents, and more independence between the husband and wife. The effect was just the opposite, psychological problems only increased, as well as immorality, crime, depression and even suicide. The luck of love became more present and devastating than ever. Problem was that psychoanalysis, observing the fallen reality, came to wrong conclusions and thus wrong solutions. That is why Unification Family Therapy is so vitally important to be developed and correct some of the psychological concepts.
Family, originally designed to be the school of love, truly, is now perpetuating the false habits and experiences. But the solution is not abolition of the family structure as humanistic psychology lead the society to believe, but to restore the ideal families. Making conclusions only on observation of the fallen world they could never envision this ideal. Only the Messiah could come to realize that. Even today society is helpless in finding solution for the growing family problems. In less than half a century divorce rate grew more than 1000%. Studies show, biggest percentage of the youth problems and deviations come from the Single parent families. With the present humanistic trend of the culture things are only to get worse and worse.
Only recently family therapy emerged as the newest area in psychology, recognizing that individual problems cannot be mended without correcting the whole family construct. Sure this is one of the most principle approaches so far. Structural, Systematic and Transgenerational family therapies, among others, are some of the most effective in dealing with the family problems. Yet even they are much based and influenced by the selfist-humanistic psychology and therefore have their limitations in bringing us to the original ideal. We should be aware that without the model of the True Parents they cannot bring hundred percent correct effect in their efforts. I can predict with great certainty that people more and more are to come and understand that Rev. Sun Myung Moon is the only one who can bring the complete solution. His core ideas and principles are therefore at the base of the Unification Family Therapy. Blessed families are the first in trying to inherit their standard and thus emerge as the hope of God for recreating the new world.
Do Blessed Families Need Therapy
There is another important point we must consider about the purpose for which Unification Family Therapy has to be developed. Most of us went to the Blessing of Marriage with great dreams and ideals about creating ideal families. However, the reality proved it to be not an easy task. The state of some Blessed families today is not that ideal. When there are unresolved problems in that relationship automatically the life of faith of the couple is affected and of course the quality of the children being raised – the Second Generation.
From the very start of family life there are many obstacles to face. Some knowledge on these psychological processes could surely help resolve and even avoid many of the possible complications. For example a young blessed couple in less than few months after they started family life decided to divorce. They both were strong members, so enthusiastic about starting family, yet soon the obstacles brought them to despair and deep resentment toward each other. She felt just sexually used, while he could not see way out with her and therefore requested the divorce. I can imagine what they were going through, like I could see my wife and I in the first year of our family life. I would say something that she would misunderstand, than she would close her heart and not speak to me for a week. The pain and resentment builds up and finally you feel no hope at all. That time is long gone now, but we can both recall the moments we thought of divorce as immanent.
We went through this typical period of growth and we are so happy now, so thankful to have each other and our lovely kids. However, I could see elder couples that could never graduate from that stage. Problem of divorce is a very small (between 2-4%) among the Blessed families, but what if even that could be avoided? What we should be most concerned, however, is the big percentage of dysfunctional marriages, which in one degree or another concerns even our own family.
Couples that although did not divorce, had lived for twenty years or more as enemies in deep pain and resentment, each blaming the other, not knowing what to do or thinking it is “indemnity” - their destiny to suffer. Is such hell in this life going to be magically resolved in the spirit world? Dae Mo Nim clarifies that those habits are eternal:
If you fought and would not become one when you were on earth, do you think you can spend time smiling immediately after you enter the Kingdom of Heaven Kingdom of Heaven
Furthermore, who is going to resolve the problems perpetuated in children raised amidst such conjugal struggles? The truth is it will only get worst if we do not solve it now.[4] Neither divorce nor relationship in struggle is the solution. Nothing short than facing the family problems directly and overcoming them is our goal. And that is why the Unification Family Therapy is to be developed and help the Blessed families; not just to reduce the symptoms, but to eradicate the very source of their existence; not just find a bearable compromise, but to enable you to substantiate the very unchangeable standard of true love we believe in. That is where family therapy comes into help.
We should be honest to ourselves. As coming from a society of sinful families, we all are in need of some special heavenly treatment, some kind of therapy, or a habit changing course to help us overcome our selfishness and the false models of behavior developed and inherited through the generations. Thus, the main objective of the Unification Family Therapy is clear; it is to help the families reach their God given goal of forming a perfect four position foundation centered on God.
What is Therapy
According to Webster’s dictionary, the word therapy means: “a curative power or quality.” “Any act, task, program, etc., that relieves tension.” It is “the treatment of the disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitative, or curative process.”[5] It will not be far from the truth to say that the fallen state of humanity is a form of disease, and that the Messiah comes as the best “Therapist” to cure that disease once and for all from it’s root. To understand better our position let us look at the existing psychological approaches. We find two different views on how rehabilitation is achieved.
For Carl Rogers, major representative of today’s humanistic therapy, that curative process is only possible when “the client experiences himself as being fully received.” His therapeutic methods correspond to the Principle explanation that one’s most urgent desires are to be satisfied before he is free to feel and follow his original mind. In which Rogers Rogers
Paul Vitz, a representative Christian psychologist, on the other hand, compares the process of the therapy with the vertical relationship with God, saying that:
…effective psychotherapy... is expressed in Christian Worship in the form of three acts: first Confession, then Thanksgiving, and finally Commitment.
He argues that “to be received” is most fully perceived in the knowledge that one is accepted by God. Vitz points, that “it is impossible for any human being ever to fully or absolutely receive another.”[7] In which he corresponds to the vertical line of the four position foundation (the relationship with God). According to Principle of Creation, “There is no way to establish the true four position foundation; without God’s love, there is no way for us to fulfill the purpose for which we were created.” (66)
However, he does not recognize the horizontal aspect of love, which is man’s responsibility, while stressing totally on the role of God’s love in the therapeutic process. These two, however, are in inseparable relation. God cannot interfere and give his love and power if no four-position foundation is formed by us to channel this love and power.
The purpose however in both approaches is one and the same. As Pierre Daco writes, “man has to face himself, and bring “the darkest” aspects of his personality to the light”. He has to recognize, “he was living on a false bases”, “lead by unconscious complexes, which were expressed on the surface in painful symptoms”. In the first case this is achieved by the skillful guidance of the psychologist who will win the trust of the client and guide him to this deep life-changing self-awareness. In the second it can be the experience with God which led the believer to this awareness and to repentance. Yet in both cases the effect is the same; recognize what was wrong and change the way of life. Psychoanalysis, “aims to obliterate the false structures in the personality,” continues Pierre Daco. “The person will come out with a new viewpoint... cured from the neurosis.”
Consequently, the Unification Family Therapy regards both of those horizontal and vertical aspects of the therapeutic process as important. For that reason, they will be dealt with separately in the following two chapters.
The Center of True
We understood so far that love has great therapeutic power. Where than, is the point of unity between the vertical and the horizontal axes of love? In 1995 for the first time Rev. Moon reviled the somewhat shocking information about the sexual organs. Next year in his address we find the following iexplanation:
The place in which Adam and Eve are perfected, consumating their first love by marrying under the blessing of God, is precisely the place wheere God meets His substantial bride. This is because God’s ideal of absolute love descednds vertically and joins where the ideal of conjugal love between Adam and Eave is realized horizontlly. The True Love of God and the True Love of humankind join and perfect themselves at the same point, although they came from different directions, one vertical and the other horizontal.
Consecuently, the horizontal sexual union of the husband and wife is the central point of forming vertical union with God. Previously no one could even notice, but this was already described in the Divine Principle:
The place where Adam and Eve become perfectly one in heart and body as husband and wife, [their sexual love] is also the place where God, the subject partner giving love, and human beings, the object partners returning beauty, become united.[8]
After researching all positions in heaven and earth and visited the back alleys in the spritual world, Reverend Moon found a simple truth. He was so “disapointed” to find that “the core of the universe”[9] is the sexual organ. This is “the foundation and the axle of love”, where man and women unite into perfect unity and heaven and earth are brought into harmony. This place becomes like “God’s bone marrow.” For the first time we could start to realize the holy significance to the sexual organs, as the Holy of Holiest, where only the spouse is allowed to enter. Sexual love is described also in the Principle as “the center of goodness”, “dwelling place of God”, “temple of God’s joy” etc.:
This is the center of goodness where the purpose of creation is fulfilled. Here God, our Parent, draws near and abides within His perfected children and rests peacefully for eternity. This center of goodness is the object partner to God’s eternal love, where God can be stimulated with joy for eternity.[10]
Now we know how to invite God in our family; every time we want to invite Him we should make beautiful love as a husband and wife. The Principle continues, conserning that crosspoint of love:
This is the place where the Word of God is incarnated and brought to fulfillment. It is the center of truth and the center of the original mind which guides us to pursue the purpose of creation.[11]
And truly, without the sexual organs none of the types of love would come to existence. There will be no desire for the opposite sex partner, there would be no children to love, no parents to be loved by and learn love from. Consequently, without our sexuality there will be not only no motive to guide us, but not even a chance to fulfill the purpose of creation. Sexuality can be seen as a strong psychological motive, guiding us straight to the fulfilment of the purpose of creation if consumated within the sphere of the Principle, meaning; with God’s blessing, with one partner, and after reaching maturity.
Today’s families are in need of therapeutic healing is because of the fall of the first human couple, which was sexual in nature.[12] The Unification therapy recognizes the psychological consequences from the fact that the first human family engaged in sexual relation before reaching maturity and without God’s blessing. The point where the problems started is where in fact we should make the restoration. Yet, there are deep consequences affecting our unconscious sexual psychic because of what happened with the fall. We need deep study on those unconscious psychological patterns, and subsequent methodology for their obliteration.
Thus far we clarified that only the standard and the practice of Absolute Sex can bring the family to enter the Kingdom of Heaven
Blessed families could easily disregard the practical implication of disturbed sexuality. In fact sex was considered evil by some educators, even suggesting that we should refrain from sex as a good condition. Fear from the fallen love turned into a psychological block hindering sexual joy. When they understood their misconception, one of the elder couples asked, “Father, why did you tell us this only now when we are old and my sexual organ is hanging like the tie on my neck?” Rev. Moon answered, “If you have true love, age is not an obstacle for making love. Your potency will be very high even when you are at great age.”
Sexual love is the central core around which harmony, happiness and trust are expended in all other areas of the family construct. That is precisely the center where both partners are to learn to be totally unconditionally giving, always able to bring joy for the partner. It is easy to find how much we have unconditional giving love if we ask our partner how much he feels we respond every time to his desire for love-making.
Giving better sexual love to the partner is the best vehicle for improving the whole marital relationship according to John Gray's book, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.
Unification Family Therapy needs to consider the implications of sexual problems and dysfunctions, especially if they are not physical but only unconscious; psychological or spiritual blocks. It should be clear that luck of response to partner’s sexual desire could lead to further complications in other areas of couple’s life. Gray writes:
When a couple is experiencing relationship problems... creating great sex immediately reduces the problems and makes them easier to solve.[13]
Partial investment in giving that joy to the partner will not inspire God to descend into this horizontal union of love. It must be mutual desire and mutual total investment. Only 100 % focusing and investing all our senses, five spiritual and five physical, can bring that ostentatious union of Heaven and Earth.
Unification Vr. Covey’s View on Marriage Objective
The fulfillment of the three great blessings is the clear goal for our life. And having a clear goal and objective is very important. Rev. Moon sys: “Only if we can see where we are supposed to be can we hope to get there. If you never knew what the ideal is, you could never begin to achieve it.”[14]
Stephen Covey, the popular Mormon author of “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families,” also describes the family vision as very important. The vision of the family is greater than its baggage, he says. That what you can envision for the future of your family, is more powerful than whatever situation you are confronting in the present.[15]
Yet, there is a process of learning about each other, and especially of how to love instead of hurting our partner. As Covey's wife puts it:
We realized successful families don't just happen. It takes every bit of combined energy, talent, desire, vision, and determination you can muster... take time, thought, planning, and prioritizing... You have to work at it and make sacrifices... pay the price.[16]
Relational bounderies and paterns are shaped in the first year of the marriage life. How they will negotiate the boundaries in their marriage depends on the level of personal maturity (mature character) gained beforehand. Thus, from the very begining the yound couple should have clear vision of the model for ideal family and set the goal of achieving it as priority. As it will be discussed in the next chapter, resolving all the problems and reaching maturity in that relation is very important in the short period before having children.
This is a serious matter, children will carry a subconscious damage that would not be recovered, and therefore such character failures are intolerable when we become parents. In his book Covey testifies of character problems in his own family. Even his son, Sean, says their family "had as many fights as other families... Dad would lose his temper... no one would even want to talk to Dad because he was so mad."[17]
Consequently our character is very important for the good relation to the partner. If we do not fulfill the first blessing of perfecting our character we will constantly have to compromise with the ideal standard. Even if we love each other the caracter flows will stand on the way of our happiness. Divine Principle explains:
The key to God’s first blessing is the perfection of individual character... whereby his mind and body become one through give and take action with God as their center. Such individuals... experience the Heart of God as if it were their own. Hence, they understand His Will and live fully attuned to it.[18]
“Without mind-body unity, how can we hope for harmony in the family or peace in the country or the world?” asks Dr. Hak Ja Han Moon. Covey got some very important points in his bood, yet it seems that he is not recognizing the seriousness of the mind and body struggle, neither the other effects of the fall. His first chapter named, "You're Going to be off Track 90 Percent of the Time, So What?" presents more of an excuse to continue with such temper changes as long as we apologize at the end. He says that such temporal deviations are O.K. as long as we keep the focus on our destination as a family.
Dr. Hak Ja Han Moon clarifies this problem in here resent speech:
The crucial issue is how we human beings, whose minds and bodies are in conflict, can come to embrace a true view of the universe and find peace and happiness in our own hearts.[19]
Covey’s weakness, similar to many psychologists and Christians of today, is that he regards the family ideal more as a fiction, vision that only holds us together but is not present. In fact it is not even achievable. The only difference, for him, is that highly effective families accept those vices and keep the course. Not only Covey but Christianity itself did not define clearly God's ideal for the family neither could practically embody such ideal. Instead they gradually accepted many compromising with the fallen nature. All of us, we prefer to do the same compromises instead of recognizing that it is our failure and offer more Congsong (Heartistic investment and conditions of indemnity).
Unification Family Therapy[20] has clearly defined ideal, theoretically (in the Divine Principle) and practically (in the standard of the True Parents). According to the Principle, God’s second blessing for Adam and Eve was to construct the four position foundation in their family.[21] This is not just a vision for the future that holds us on the truck. This ideal is very practical and far more important than just leading us, it is the way to live by. As Divine Principle states:
When husband and wife perform ideal Give and Take Action, they create a family which is a perfect object to God, and the family level Four Position Foundation is realized.
Here, “ideal Give and take Action” is not time to time ideal, and “perfect object to God” is not time to time object. This is a different concept for family goal from that of Covey. In fact Covey does not even describe any principle guidelines for family goals, he only stresses that the family should discus them.
Even though True Parent’s standard is high and absolute, it is a very realistic one that each Blessed family can reach. Any concept against that is already a psychological block that prevents its fulfillment and excuses us in taking no efforts in that direction.
In fact such psychological block is Covey’s humanistic concept that we should focus on the small things in our lives. “Not on the larger circle”, he writes, “that embraces everything in your life that you may be concerned about.”[22] But we have to disagree with him. The problem of today’s society is that everyone aims to solve only his personal small problems and in fact becomes so interwoven in them that he can never go beyond and free himself to do something for a higher purpose. Contrary to Covey, the Divine Principle sets the purpose of the whole in priority position as a subject. In fact, while dealing with the bigger public problems our family struggles will seem small, insignificant, and thus, easy to overcome. And the first objective for our family is to liberate God and humanity. And of course, these higher goals will be achieved only if we do live as a perfect family not if we just aim to someday become one.
Another difference with Covey’s theory is that this ideal is not something we as a family democratically agree upon. God gave the ideal from the very creation and we are only discussing it in order to come in oneness with it, understand it and apply it better. Our personal dreams and creativity can be clearly expressed only when our aim is in accordance with God’s will.
Limits of the Humanistic and Christian Therapy
The existing horizontal (romantic) and vertical (moral) traditions failed to find the center for unity of the humanistic and God’s love and thus left no philosophical base for ideal families to emerge.
Here I will present some of the relevant theoretical positions of important theorists affecting the family therapy. I would like to point out the shortcomings and the harmful influences of those horizontal and vertical approaches and present a new paradigm based on Rev. Moon’s thought.
Disunity of the Horizontal, and the Vertical Traditions
According to Rev. Moon “true unity is only possible by the centering on true love.”[23] True Love is precisely the meeting point of the horizontal and the vertical axes. However, the humanistic philosophy trying to deny any universal vertical standards stood as an obstacle for the humanistic love and God’s love to come in unity. In consequence, the very ideal of the humanistic love itself became impossible to be achieved. The more humanistic love expended in society the more social problems and disappointment in love we gained. As Rev. Moon says, “Without the vertical axis, you can’t have the human horizontal love.”[24]
Why did humanist philosophy end up in this wrong state? Since Christianity, the carrier of the vertical standards and norms, failed to embrace the horizontal realms of love humanism came as reaction against any vertical norms. By suppressing the desires for love, regarding the sexual love as something dirty and further removed from God, the Church provoked fearsome opposition. Thus, humanism stood for the freedom of any sexual expression. It is true, that authority of the church was much too often misused against even progressive human ideas, and as Divine Principle says, it became an obstacle to the original human nature. Ironically however, in this rebellion humanist philosophers did not provide something better. Instead, the very core ideals and dreams of true and lasting love, of each man and woman, were shattered.
Culture of Humanism
Today Humanism is woven deeply into the culture. Tim LaHaye, one of the leaders of the Moral Majority, maintains that “most of the evils in the world today can be traced to humanism, which has taken over our government, the United Nations, television, and most of the influential things of life.” As he puts it, “humanism is not only the world’s greatest evil but until recently the most deceptive of all religious philosophies.” Without being aware of it as an ideology young people’s thinking and actions are completely guided by it. Consequently, Blessed families should know its basic views and be able to distinguish them.
First, the Humanistic tradition is deeply based on rejection of any form of authority; there is no center. Even God’s authority is not allowed. Next, there are no universal moral values; instead values are determined by everyone for himself, so everything is relative. In fact, the highest evil, they claim, is to say that something is wrong and immoral. On that base, Humanism elevates the extreme individualism as the highest value. And the last point is that family is outdated and there should be no restrictions on any form of sex. In short, Humanistic values are four; denial of authority, moral relativism, selfish individualism, and free sex.
This broadly spread view of moral relativism became prophesied not only by the Humanistic ideology but the media, fashion, psychology and even many liberal books about God and family. “Humanists literally control the TV networks”, points LaHaye, “We... turn on television and find an unshackled anti-moral pro-humanist thinking.” Further, we pay taxes to subsidize the religion of humanism in our public schools.” How could that deceptive ideology come to infiltrate every aspect or our life?
Humanism and Psychology
If in the past the Cain-Type wing of thought of Humanism was spread by philosophers, today Humanism became the core of the culture by the aid of psychology. All major psychologists, like Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, Erich Fromme are from the school of psychologists who established today’s Secular Humanist ideology. In fact, will be helpful to know some of their main concepts presented in Humanist Manifesto:
We reject all religious, ideological, or moral codes that denigrate the individual, suppress freedom, dull intellect, dehumanize personality.
Note that they do not reject religion as a whole. In fact, Abraham Maslow in his book, Pick Experiences, encourages the use of religion as a tool to spread their humanistic values. He critiques the first Humanist manifesto for denying God and the moral values, saying they should be the carriers of values, of course the humanistic ones that we mentioned in the above four points. He urges that the values of the Second Humanist Manifesto should be propagated by all means of culture; fashion, literature, Hollywood
What Humanism actually does is rejecting “the old moral codes” insisting that “ethics stems from human need and interest.” The highest narcissistic individualism, therefore, becomes their new moral code.
Thus, the first argument we can recognize in such humanistic writings, despite their principle overlook, is their belief in “maximum individual autonomy” the same way as it is expressed repeatedly in the Humanist Manifesto:
Individual freedom of choice exists in human life and should be increased… Decision-making must be decentralized. All persons… developing the values and goals that determine their lives.
Thus, the second argument is that there are no absolute values. The rebellion against any higher values, coming from God, Religion, Monarchy or other authorities, is obvious. Once there are no moral codes to obey they can do whatever they want. Than everyone can determine their own values, and for others to judge them as right or wrong will be intolerable. Accordingly, by elevating the extreme individualism as the highest aim and virtue, to state anything as right or wrong morally becomes the highest evil. Their final aim is obvious from statements as this:
Orthodox religions and puritanical cultures, unduly repress sexual conduct. The right to birth control, abortion, and divorce should be recognized… The many varieties of sexual exploration should not in themselves be considered evil… individuals should be permitted to express their sexual proclivities and pursue their life-styles as they desire.[25]
Thus, the final argument of today’s humanism is that any form of sex “should be permitted”. That of course includes homosexuality, incest, sodomia etc. The commitment in a man and wife family thus becomes old fashioned and repressive. To be correct we are to recognize that as the main objective of the Humanistic philosophy. Of course they were very successful in shaping today’s culture of free sex with these humanistic ideas.
In the Unificationist worldview we, however, we recognize this Secular Humanism as the last instrument of Satan. After Communism collapsed Satan uses Humanism to block God’s providence. Since his power is there the whole world is blinded to all evil they brought into the world.
The consequences of these horizontal human-centered ideas are apparent in today’s society. The resultant destruction of the family caused by free sex and selfish individualism is everywhere. As Homer Duncan wrote in Secular Humanism: The Most Dangerous Religion in America , “The only way to save America
First we find that secular humanism based on worship of the self is deeply present in today’s psychology. Even worse, humanistic ideas are the center of all existing materials on improving the husband-wife relationship.
Meanwhile, the conservative, more vertical side has lost its influence in the society. Today's Christianity does not strongly represent the ideal of monogamous marriage, sacrificial life for others, and living faith in God so that it can overcome the humanistic; freedom of any sexual expression, living for the self, and denial of any authoritative center. Clearly these few points represent the difference between the horizontal and vertical traditions. Here I will examine representatives from both the Humanistic (horizontal) and Christian (vertical) counseling traditions in comparison with our Unificationist view.
Selfist Psychology Vs. True Love
Modern psychology is definitely based on very humanistic views. Despite the precious knowledge it brings, that will be discussed in the second chapter of this thesis, there are consecutively some concepts harmful to the family construct. For example, a therapist may cause a divorce instead of strengthening the family bond, just because of the falseness of some psychological concepts, concepts that may seem beautiful and appalling even for the Unification families. As some Christian psychologists noticed, modern trends in psychology have gravely damaged many American families. The following is an illustration taken from a Christian radio station.
"I'm just not growing in this relationship," Kevin told his wife, Diane. And after ten years of marriage and two kids, he left his family. And he did it, Diane discovered, with the blessing of his therapist. If Diane had been up on the state of modern psychology, she wouldn't have been so surprised.[26]
Dr. Paul Vitz, author of Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self-Worship,[27] describes modern psychology's deep commitment to self-worship, or "selfism." All the major theories of motivation and personality, he says, assume that reward for the self is the only functional ethical principle. The four most important self-theorists, Erich Fromm, Carl Rogers, Abraham Maslow, and Rollo May, represent in his words “the purest and most influential self-theorists… completely committed to the concept of the self.”[28]
At best, according to Vitz, “they introduce interesting and useful but limited concepts.”[29] Their selfist values are hostile to our ability to form permanent relationships, or to commit to such values as duty and self-sacrifice. Instead, Vitz notes: "With monotonous regularity, the selfist literature sides with those values that encourage divorce" and the breaking of family ties. It might seem ironies that experiential family therapy is based exactly on the same existential-humanistic psychotherapy. Its focus is primarily on individual members emphasizing personal growth, autonomy and freedom of choice. Concerned primarily with the perceptions, meanings, and values of individual family members it presents dangers and possible treat to the family union. Yet we are to acknowledge that if those personal values are in harmony with the universal principle values this approach will also prove useful.
Vitz acknowledges the problem in the fact that many psychologists are preoccupied with the individual patient alone, not challenging his version of the facts by listening to children, parents, or spouses who are also involved. Yet, he notes, many psychotherapists are themselves divorced, or alienated from religious traditions. The temptation for them is to affirm their own choices by encouraging their patients to make the same choices. In the worse case, many of them encourage divorce on theoretical grounds, teaching that if either spouse feels the relationship has stagnated, then the marriage is not worth saving. Patients are urged to describe how badly their families treated them. Patients thus become self-pitying "victims" with a strong sense of moral superiority now excused to blame others instead of taking responsibility.
These selfist ideals give some counselors a strong bias against parents digging into the patient’s problems steaming from the patient’s family of origin. In result today's young people have little of respect for their elders and learn anything but filial piety. Consequently, with its emphasis on treating individuals in isolation, and its hostility to social bonds, modern psychology has caused untold damage to our society.
This humanistic, selfist message has permeated our entire culture. However, Vitz says, we are to imagine a different kind of therapy; one based on love, gratitude, respect, and forgiveness. A new approach of human relations is needed, one that is radically different from that of the humanistic therapists. Instead of teaching people to go "out" if they think they are not "growing" in their relationships Bible encourages us to love one another unconditionally, to be patient and kind, and not insist on getting our own way. [30]
Unification Family Therapy recognizes these problems. Instead of leading the client to acceptance of his or her personal feelings we provoke reflection on how others feel. Make them recognize why others reacted certain way and what they could do to alter that response. Thus instead of self-pitying “victim mindedness”, Unification Therapy can provoke unselfish altruism enabling one to feel compassion, think and act for the sake of others. That way we correct the whole prospective of Rogers
True Love is Sacrificial Love
To be centered on one’s own feelings, looking to find himself and reach self-realization, is not what helps improve the conjugal love. According to Glenn and Nelson, learning how to successfully interact with others, which is crucially important for the husband-wife relationship, is a constant challenge. Deficit in these skills leaves the couple unable to function well.[31] Loving relationships are not an automatic process and to love in a moral sense is not to be confused with mere feelings according to James B. Stenson:
"Love is not just sweet sentiments. It is really the willingness and ability to undergo difficulties for the sake of the welfare and happiness of others. In a sense, love is sacrifice."[32]
Love must be cultivated with great effort. It requires observing norms or standards of behavior in dealing with the other, such as fulfilling one's obligations, living up to one's commitments, and making investments of time and effort which benefits the other. Through this a person gains the confidence to establish a stable and happy family in his life. As Mrs. Moon explains it best:
Thus the path of true love is not to receive something; it is the path of sacrificing and living for others… invest and invest again, one hundred percent of everything… then God’s love starts circulating. Living absolutely for others is like creating a typhoon which unleashes tremendous power.[33]
This explanation on true love underlies the unity of God’s love with the horizontal human love. While, Fromm’s humanistic explanation on love on the other side is quite partial. It represents only the horizontal effort excluding the vertical power of God. He writes:
Love is not a higher power which descends upon man nor a duty which is imposed upon him; it is his own power by which he relates himself to the world and makes it truly his.[34]
On the other side Christianity is also partial in its vertical view of love - as phenomenon transcending man. The Unification understanding of love corrects them both by recognizing their correctness as partial when these two views are separated from each other. In fact it represents the unity of both the human effort and God's part in love. God's vertical love and human's horizontal love meet at the same point as will be described in the section on "The Central Role of Sexuality in the Marriage."
Human investment in love will never work if one is not ready to sacrifice him or herself completely. Conditional investment in the relationship of 80% will probably reach the partner only 60%. And if the partner returns 40%, the originator of the relationship will probably receive with some lose around 20%. Such self-centered relationship will definitely be doomed to vanish sooner or later. Rev. and Mrs. Moon suggest a new principle of giving 100% and forgetting what you have invested thus being free in your heart to invest again. This way one will enjoy even the smallest return from the object, thinking: “Oh, I didn’t give anything and he/she’s giving me so much.” In fact, Unification Family Therapy will be only effective if able to provoke such a standard of true love in the families.
John Gray’s Theory Vs. The Original Husband and Wife Relationship
Rev. Moon says:
Each man represents the entire masculine world; each woman represents the entire feminine world. When they come together, they represent the universe and the total image of God.
Marriage is not just the unity of one man and one woman but of the male character and the female character. In other words, by loving your spouse, you are loving the realm of masculinity or femininity. Thus the woman seeks to understand the man and the man seeks to understand the woman. The unity between the male and female world takes place in marriage. Each couple represents the harmony of the entire universe.[35]
Ironically today’s Christianity often uses approach not too different from the one of the humanist-existential theorists, such as Carl Rogers, grounded on the freedom of choice. As a representative of their attempt to revive family through family-enrichment and communication skills, John Gray exemplifies exactly the subtle line of misleading differences with True Parents’ thought.
There is difference between the model given by John Grey, in his book “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”, and the approach given by Rev. Sun Myung Moon. Understanding the common and unifying points even in the differences is something central in our Unification Worldview, while John’s work opens the way for trust between men and women in different way. To him understanding the differences alone can solve the problem between men and women. Accordingly he writes: “Understanding the differences between men and women results in trust, which provides a lot of safety. That’s where love can flourish.”[36]
His approach in fact compares with the experiential family therapy, where as Martin Buber argues for the “I-thou” relationship both parties can be together yet maintain their individuality. This concept comes from the humanistic believe that one can be intimate only when individuality (separateness) can be maintained in the relationship. This is in contradiction with the Unificationist belief that loosing yourself by living for the sake of the other is the only way to achieve true and lasting happiness. Rev. Moon says, “Unity doesn’t occur in a self-serving position, but rather in a position where the self is serving the whole.”[37] In fact, contrary to the humanistic concept, we maintain that to deny ourselves is the only way to find our true self. In these lines, Rev. Moon explains, nothing in our whole being is created for itself:
Man was born not for man but for woman. Woman was born not for woman but for man. If we don’t understand this clearly, problems can occur. This is God’s principle of creation, so unless you follow this principle you can never enjoy true happiness or peace…
You were not born for yourself, you were born for others. You have to break you concept of self.[38]
Thus we come finally to two quiet different strategies for solving problems between husband and wife. On one side the strategy of protecting our individuality as a way to be satisfied in the relationship with the spouse, on the other side, to ignore totally our individuality for the sake of our spouse. Teaching that men and women are very different Gray is using the first of those strategies. As he puts it:
Both Martians and Venusians fell madly in love, married and live happily ever after — that is, until … they forgot they were from different planets. Without an awareness of how they were different, the Martians began to think the Venusians needed to be fixed, while the Venusians thought the Martians needed to be improved. As they set out to “change” one another, the love they originally felt started to disappear.[39]
Here Gray seems to ignore the fact that precisely the selfishness is that makes us fight over small things that we should change or improve, while unselfish or unconditional love, that seeks our growth, will only increase the love in the relationship. He continues:
Through understanding and remembering that men are form Mars and women are from Venus, we begin to interpret our partners’ behaviors and responses in a new light. The old war between the sexes becomes instead the misunderstanding of the sexes. Something very magical takes place in our relationships; our hearts are filled with the warm glow of forgiveness and inspired by a new sense of power to realize our hopes and dreams.[40]
The concept is simple, understanding that they are different will in turn make their relationship last because they will tolerate their individual differences. But, the problem comes when tolerant to each other becomes “tolerant to each other’s individual choices.” In fact it becomes, “Oh, I should take care of my own desires while I’m giving you freedom for your own choices.” Abrupt example for this is Mary’s story taken from Gray’s book “Mars and Venus in Love”:
Doing John’s workshops helped me realize that… ‘This is who I am,’ I kept saying to myself. ‘This is what I like. This is what I don’t like. This is what I won’t accept. This is what I might accept.’[41]
This is no different from the humanistic-existential concept. Each of the partners gives complete freedom to the other and is interested mainly of his or her own selfish desires. Humanistic therapy finds that as the only way to reduce tension between two selfish partners. However this is done while creating more space for their selfishness to increase. John Gray uses the same technique. Tolerance to each other selfishness is his main objective in leading us to understand our differences.
On the other side, the Unificationist idea, although presenting the difference, stresses on the common origin of these male-female characteristics from the one Creator - God. Thus, it focuses on showing how these different characteristics are complementary and necessary to each other. Instead of just stressing that they are different, we illustrate how man and woman can work properly in accordance with God’s original ideal and achieve the highest joy and happiness. As Rev. Moon says:
“Husband and wife should love each other as God’s representatives. If you love from a humanistic point of view, you will eventually get divorced after discovering each other’s shortcomings.”[42]
It is not just humanistic level of love in tolerance and understanding of our different reactions, we go beyond that in total appreciation of our spouses characteristics as something that we absolutely need in order to reach the wholeness of our Heavenly Father. Thus, we see God’s expression in our husband or wife; we see God’s beloved son or daughter and even recognize each other as “God’s husband” and “God’s wife.” Here the reconciliatory direction is precisely the opposite. Instead of seeking our own way we learn that we are crated to live for the sake of our opposite partner.
Characteristics Inherited from the Fall
Having in mind those differences with John Gray’s approach, we should recognize the consequent differences in the way men and women’s characteristics are perceived. Is it with their original God given characteristics or those that are resultant from the fall? The characteristics that we should cherish and nurture in each other or those that we need to eliminate completely? Gray did never distinguish between the characteristics of the fallen and the original nature. Yet the motivating power of those two standards would be clearly different and is to be distinguished promptly.
Particularly, as already presented, some self-centered thoughts, desires and actions are wrongfully perceived as unavoidable characteristics of all men and women. Accepting such selfishness as inseparable part of our characteristics is to excuse ourselves from being restored to the true and original standard. Furthermore it is to tolerate, in our partners, habits that hinder their own personal growth. For example, in the section “Too Much Giving is Tiring” Gray gives only selfish motives, like; “she doesn’t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more.” That is contrary to Unificationist concept of “give and forget, and give again and again,” that is central to the Rev. Moon’s teachings. Gray goes further to say that: “No longer were they (women) satisfied being martyrs and living for others.” He suggests that caring about one another and sharing everything is tiring and now is the time they should explore being themselves.[43]
We are to recognize that John Gray had worked with many families from this fallen society. Thus, the male and female characteristics he found might well describe the characteristics inherited from the fall of Adam and Eve. For example, Gray writes: "The Martians and Venusians on their respective planets suddenly became depressed. It was this depression, however, that motivated them eventually to come together."[44] From Divine Principle we know, that when Eve was depressed (after the fall with Lucifer) she was looking for a way to comfort herself through Adam. "Suddenly they felt needed," Gray continues, which became the motivating force for the male-female relationship. If we replace in Gray's text Venusians with Eve, and Martians with Adam we will get the following:
(Eve) became depressed, to feel better (she) began talking with (Adam) about (her) problems... through (her) intuition she experienced a vision (Adam is to be my husband) to love, serve, and support (me).[45]
This is the motivating power of male-female bond as a consequence of this first fallen relationship. Gray's words best described it: "Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed... Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished." It was not the sacrificial love in correspondence to God's ideal, instead it was the self-centered horizontal feelings that they had of "how I feel" and “what do I gain.” Adam gained the horizontal appreciation of Eve and fallowed her in her fallen deeds, instead of keeping his position and the vertical standard by rebuking her for the self-centered complains and actions. Is not than, that Gray is teaching us to repeat the fall?
Consequently, Gray’s teaching, that women are to relax now and just be loved without need to deserve it, is wrong. Rev. Moon’s rebukes this in his words:
Woman who is about to get married… will answer that she does so in order to be loved. This needs to be corrected. Rather, she should say that she gets married so she can love the father and mother and brothers and sisters of her husband, so that she can love her husband’s whole clan and even the country to which they belong… but if she demands love, her troubles will never cease.[46]
If the motivation is selfish, however, problems will come. What happens when woman, with such self-centered motivation and depression inherited from the fall, is not being heard? Gray writes, "If she feels she is not being understood, her awareness may expand even further, and she may become upset about more problems."[47] However, according to the original ideal women were not to be self-centered, much less depressed. Therefore, they are not to be in need to talk about their problems and expect to drag their husbands in their personal hell, as Eve did. Now women are to overcome that fallen nature and for that Rev. Moon teaches them:
From now on women should not be talkative. Talkative women create more problems. In marriage women create more problems than men. If women have determination to follow my teaching they will become more quite! Please practice this everyday for eternity.
It is true that, according to Rev. Moon:
God created women deliberately to be greedy for love, always seeking to receive from others so that when the time comes, He can demand that they give that love forth to their children.[48]
That does not imply that they are to be selfish, just the opposite. In fact in the Coronation speech Rev. Moon added:
Woman was the later creation into which God poured His entire heart and being. If you notice, women more than men are born for the sake of others and live for the sake of others… woman is created to live for her husband and her children. So a husband must attend to his wife as the queen of queens. When his wife is breast-feeding and nurturing the baby, the husband must do everything he can for the sake of his wife and baby.[49]
Instead of seeking excuse in Gray’s support, women could better use some more thinking about how their husband would feel if they discharge all the garbage of their conscience-stricken mind just to seek emotional support. Not to speak that in the original ideal, once she is in contact with God, there would be no reason for a woman to feel depressed. And is it not the selfishness that makes us depressed on first place. In fact, Divine Principle teaches, that Eve was not supposed to seek the resolution of her inner problems through Adam. Instead she was to confess herself in a direct prayer to God and thus avoid the perpetuation of the problem.
Wife should be soft, Husband should be rough
In his morning speech in Geneva True Father Moon proclaimed:
“God had woman in his mind first, so in order to fid woman God created man as substantial being first... When you look at the man and woman, woman has a soft skin. If they are both tough between man and woman there is no fun. Wife should be soft and husband should be rough.”
Psychology, as will be described in the next chapter, often deals with the consequences of bad feelings transmitted from mother to child through the process of triangulation. Unification Family Therapy thus regards the role of mother as central in the education of the children concerning the vertical respect toward the position of the father. In this she, the mother, is to be example for obedience and filial supporter of the father. She leads the children to respect and obey the father.
On the other side, if we continue with Gray's description of men, we might well find attitudes and characteristics coming either from the naivety of Adam running in his cave or the humanistic love of Lucifer. Best of all Gray is trying to say that all men should become like the seducer Lucifer; understanding and soft, in a way losing their masculinity. Rev. Moon on the other side scorns the women in today’s society who want their husband to be soft, understanding and gentle. Men are not created like that and are much more masculine, he explains, because God’s idea is that there should be a harmony of the extremes:
When a woman is trying to get a husband, it would be better to have a man who is wild and rough rather than someone who is delicate and fine looking. Since a husband and wife relationship is a reciprocal relationship, the woman who becomes the opposite of the wild and though man will become happy. The wife who can receive the love of a though and wild husband is a happy wife. You should not forget this, and look at your husband, encourage him to be a rough and tough man.[50]
Obviously John Gray could not perceive that idea of the Creator. Contrary to his concept of men listening patiently and having sweet talks with their wives, Rev. Moon says:
He (the husband) might be a very masculine person. When he talks, that kind of person does not talk quietly like a woman. He acts before he talks. Most women would not feel good about that. They think that a man should talk first and offer an introduction before he acts, but this kind of man charges forward without any introduction whatsoever. When they meet that kind of person, at first the women would not feel so good, but if he can persevere even for thousands and tens of thousands of years, the women will change.[51]
Moreover, we understand from Rev. Moon that man is created this way in order to fulfill his responsibility as a subject; to love, nurture and protect his family. Thus we understand that Gray’s idea of men being from Mars and women from Venus, leaves much unrevealed truth about our essence as human beings, as well as the origin and purpose of our dual existence as male and female. Since he does not understand the consequences of the Human Fall, he believes that once we know that we are different the problem would be gone. I recognize the fact that his work helped some keep their marriages, or improve their communications. In fact Gray is doing good job on the distance resolution problem that would be discussed in the next chapter. He is teaching couples to learn to be more accepting and do not take the response of their partner personally. However, we as Blessed families aim to a higher goal. Instead of just humanistic peace we yearn to make our homes a place of eternal peace and happiness for God.
Thus, contrary to Gray, Rev. Moon stresses the common origin of men and women in their Creator, God, and explains the very fundamental need for their unity:
One man and one woman are the substantial object of the invisible God, His son and His daughter. Man represents God’s masculine (+) nature and woman represents God’s feminine (–) nature. God — the harmonized body of the dual characteristics — is divided into two entities formed separately, and these separate bodies are to be united again to resemble God.
Therefore, two human beings, husband and wife, symbolize the whole of God. …when they become one in love, they are embracing the universe. They become the central point of the entire cosmos.[52]
I have always taught that we must maintain absolute purity before marriage and absolute fidelity after the Holy Blessing of marriage. By doing so, we can build a family that incarnates God’s four attributes of absolute, unique, unchanging and eternal love. A man who is created in this way, as the reciprocal partner of true love, represents Heaven, or half the universe, and a woman who is created in the same way represents the earth, the other half. Thus, once a couple is married in the Holy Blessing, they are never to divorce. Divorce divides parents and children… utterly destroys the underlying social discipline of moral law and humane ethics.[53]
Thus, True Parents have enlightened us on the true role of the husband and the wife. In short, we are to understand that the male and female characteristics are best represented in the sexual organs. While the male sexual organ is functional in the love relationship when its muscles get firm and strong, the female sexual organ is the opposite, it has to relax and soften. Thus in marriage man fulfils its role with his strength, to provide for the family, to care and protect them, while the wife is to be soft, loving, and obedient in order to bring the harmony and balance in the relationship.
While this section was mainly too distinguish with existing misconceptions, to learn more about the characteristics of husband and wife families will have to further study True Father’s words.
Humanistic Vs. Christian View on Sexuality
Even the sexual organs, that make men and women different, are in fact created for our opposite sex partner not for ourselves. That’s a core understanding of Rev. Moon:
What makes man man, and woman woman. The answer is: the sexual organs… The owner of man’s sexual organ is woman, and the owner of woman’s sexual organ is man. We did not know that the sexual organ is owned by the opposite sex.[54]
In the last two sections we discussed the selfist psychology and John Grays approaches and how they affect the family union. While they might compare in their approaches to the communication skills of the couple they become apparently different in one much more important area. Now we are to examine the difference of their views on sexuality and how they correspond to the view of the Unification Family Therapy.
According to Rev. Moon’s teachings, the sexual organ is the dividing line between Heaven and Hell. Selfishness or true love starts from our attitude towards that love organ. The sexual organ belongs to our spouse not to ourselves. It is not created for ourselves but for our partner. Yet, when used selfishly it became the tool to destroy God’s ideal for humanity. “This has turned Heaven and Earth upside down,” Rev. Moon says:
When a sexual organ is used in the same way a blind person wanders aimlessly and without direction, it will, undoubtedly, lead you as its owner to Hell. By the same token, one will be led high up into Heaven when he or she uses the sexual organ according to the standard of God’s absolute love.[55]
Today’s humanistic psychology, however, will be the furthest from that position. Paul Vitz in his critique of the selfist psychology writes:
One of the major ways of being receptive to experience and expressing love is through sex. All of the (selfist) authors we have discussed advocate openness to sex and active discovery and exploration of sex.[56]
To what extend of openness and exploration we can go that way? As one of the extremes in that direction Nena and George O’Neill, in their best-seller Open Marriage, argue that sexual fidelity should be:
...redefined in open marriage, as commitment to your own growth… partners in an open marriage do have outside sexual relationships, it is on the basis of their own internal relationships – that is, because they have experienced mature love, have real trust.[57]
Maturity in love is compared with the extend of free sex practiced. Sexuality is viewed only from the personal, self-centered viewpoint. Thus, the elements of duty and obligation are viewed even as threats to love, growth, and trust. However, Vitz notes:
It should be apparent that a high degree of assertive autonomy is impossible in any serious long-term human relationship, much less one involving the duties of genuine love and the sacrifices of parenthood, but as we have seen such notions as duty and sacrifice are rejected by today’s popular self-theory counselors and therapists.[58]
Contrary to this self-centered regard on sexuality stands the more vertical Christian tradition. John Gray as its representative combines passion in love with the long-term, monogamous relationship. In one of his latest books, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, Dr. Gray shows us how effectively yet romantically to keep lovemaking fulfilling so that both partners are happy in the bedroom and in the relationship:
When sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship gets better. Through great sex, the man begins to feel more love, and, as a result, the woman starts getting the love she may have been missing. Automatically, communication and intimacy increase.[59]
Further he points:
A great sex life is not just the symptom of a passionate relationship, but is also a major factor in creating it. Great sex fills our hearts with love and can fulfill almost all our emotional needs. Loving sex, passionate sex, sensual sex, long sex, short sex, playful sex, tender sex... are all an important part of keeping the passion of love alive.[60]
Thus, Gray’s perspective on sexuality stands closer to the perspective of the Unification Family Therapy. He regards sex as "God's special gift," something through which "Heaven's gates are opened." However, he never discuses God's direct presence in that relationship, much less sexual love is presented as the means to invite God. Gray does not even touch the concept that the sexual organ is not our own. Yet, he gives great contribution by combining the human strive for sexual happiness with the vertical moral standard. What Unification Family Therapy further recognizes, however, is that Human and God’s happiness, the vertical and the horizontal axes, meat at the same meeting point.
From all the above we recognize that the central dividing point between the Humanistic and Christian traditions is their view on sexuality.
The Central Role of Sexuality in Marriage Treatment
Knowing the pain brought because of the misuse of the sexual love we recently came to discover the supreme joys that we are to unveil in our sexuality. That was repeatedly expressed and suggested by numerous speeches of Rev. Moon as well as Dr. Sun Han Lee’s spiritual messages. Knowing that sexual love caused all the problems, now we should realize its importance in resolving them.
To address the issue of sexuality, we should first understand such fundamental matters as its purpose for God crating it, its role in the human fall, and the goal of the providence of restoration in connection to that issue. Thus, three questions would be answered in this section. How God’s ideal is expressed in sexuality. What painful consequences dysfunctional sexuality brings. And finally, why Unification Family Therapy regards sexual fulfillment (the practice of absolute sex) as central for the harmonious marriage.
The Sensible Joy of Marriage's Deep Connection to Sexuality
In Rev. Moon's words marriage has a central importance for finding love, creating life and lineage:
Why is marriage important? Marriage is important because it is the road to finding love, It is the read to crating life, It is the road where the life of a man and a woman unite into one. It is the place where a man’s lineage combines with a woman’s’ lineage. History emerges through marriage, and from marriage nations appear and an ideal world begins. Without marriage there is no meaning to the existence of individuals, nations, and an ideal world.[61]
Love, life and lineage are all connected to the sexual organ. Where there is absolute sex, Rev. Moon teaches, “absolute couples will emerge automatically and the world of false love will naturally disappear.” That is how, in his words, “from the absolute, unique, unchanging and eternal sexual organs God’s Ideal World would merge.”[62]
Yet, the joy of married love is not something limited to the life in this physical world. Swedenborg exemplifies that in the story of the newcomers in the spirit world who asked:
“Is love between married partners the same in haven as on earth?” “It is just the same,” the two angelic spirits answered... “Completely the same, but much richer, because angelic perception and sensation is much more exquisite than a mortal’s is.[63]
Swedenborg describes the ideal of marriage as he saw it face to face in the spiritual world. The genuine love in marriage, he says, is only to be had by people, who are married and believe that marriage is a deeply spiritual union that sounds their profoundest reaches and plays, all the way to their outermost bodily parts, with joy. He describes the joys of married life as a miracle rarely tasted in its completeness but wanted enough to be our goal in life once we know about its beauty.[64]
Enormous significance is attributed to our sexuality. In that act of love, according to Rev. Moon, the heaven, the earth, and humanity come in resonance. Our mind and heart expends to embrace the cosmos. Our whole being becomes one with God. Each cell, each part of our body and soul, and all our senses focus on one point. In the sexual love is where a man and a woman become totally one.[65] Swedenborg writes, “As for sexual love, it is the basic one of all loves, because by creation it is placed in the person’s soul itself, where the person’s whole essence comes from”. The Book of Tradition reads:
Husband and wife have many ways to express love to each other, but the most precious is the intimate marriage relationship (sexual love). Heavenly Father is always involved in the giving and receiving of this love.
Sidney Callahan in her book “Beyond Birth Control; The Christian Experience of Sex” describes the bed, where the couple makes love as an “altar” and the sexuality as something “mysterious and sacred.” In Rev. Moon’s words: “centering on the place where husband and wife become one through their sexual organs, God wants to appear and meet us.”[66]
Sex is something holy that purifies us and brings God in our life. It is not something that we are to be ashamed or hide. Opposite to hell where making love is hidden, cursed and ugly, Dr. Sang Hun Lee pictures the beauty of the sexual love in heaven. In the spirit world, he explains, "you can actually view the scene of making love with your own eyes."
It is not a hidden love, which you can only perform in your bedroom. In heaven, you might love among wild flowers in a field, on beautiful land or on an ocean wave. You can even love in the mountains where the birds are singing and the scene is so beautiful that those who watch you will become intoxicated. Rather than feeling shame or disgrace as you felt on the earth, you can observe the scene with a peaceful mind admiring the beauty.[67]
Dr. Lee further explains, "the conjugal love between those high spirits (those who are close to God) is like a beautiful picture."[68] In this state of "total oneness," he continues, the feelings go "beyond the feeling of love they felt on Earth... like feeling you are in a magical world."
The appearance of the couple loving is as the world of light becoming one, and is very bright. Within the light, God embraces them and rejoices by radiating love in a stem of light.[69]
You cannot go forward to God without your spouse, Dr. Lee stresses: "the bride who came to the spirit world before her bridegroom goes forward to God when she finally receives her bridegroom."[70] The sexual organs are God’s dwelling place, and the sexual relationship for Blessed couples is the meeting place with God. That is equally true for the spiritual as for the physical life of a couple.
Therefore, we have to conclude that sexuality plays major role for the soundness of the marriage?
Dysfunctional Marriages and Sexuality
Unification Family Therapy is not the first to look at the sexual problems as the cause of all other problems. Many saw its influence in other areas of the family life. David C. Treadway, Ph.D., says that each couple has to solve their problems “developing companionship, engaging in a comfortable degree of sexuality and intimacy, and providing a quality of reciprocal caretaking and nurturance.”[71] In fact, he writes, “the couples become organized around the symptoms,” while those symptoms “allow the marital struggle to remain covert, unresolved, and stable.”[72] Thus, marital struggles in fact could well be the symptoms of more internal sexual unfulfillment.
Sidney C. Callahan, concerning sexual failures and conflicts in the marriage, writes:
Whether these conflicts cause bad relationships in other areas of life or are the results of them (in many cases, undoubtedly both), working through these sexual failures strengthens both personal growth and marriage bond. Sexual communication is interdependent with verbal communication. Each corrects and enriches the other, but openness and true attention to the other is crucial.
Further she writes:
Each couple grows toward unity as they overcome the differences of male and female sexual response which are complicated by their own personalities and sexual histories.[73]
What are the actual problems in this process of growth while overcoming the differences? Julius Fast describes how our eyes, smile, voice, tender touch and every action toward our spouse communicates that sexual chemistry. However, he points that:
For sexual chemistry to work, it must be mutual; it must occur in both people. If only one person feels that instant attraction, then there is no chemistry involved.[74]
Moreover, Fast explains what serious complications result from not having this mutual sexual desire. In his words:
… particularly pernicious condition exists when the object of someone’s love cannot return what is offered.[75]
Such luck of response to partner’s sexual desire could lead to further complications in other areas of couple’s life.
Dr. Katherine Davis, author of “Sex Life Of Twenty-two Hundred Women,” discovered that the larger percentage of the happily married women had good attitude toward sex. The internationally recognized psychiatrist Frank Caprio, in his book Sexually Adequate Female, also discusses the need to correct sexual inadequacies in women in order to maintain true happiness in the marital relationship. He writes:
Had sexual relations not been made pleasurable, the world would have been depopulated long ago. Many young women have been brought up by their elders to think that… sexual contact is something women must endure from their husbands. This is utterly contrary to the design of Nature.[76]
Helen Singer Kaplan, New York
“Someone who doesn’t feel the sexual urge infrequently… it’s dew to a hormonal problem, but far more often it’s rooted in a deep psychological conflict about love and sex.”
According to Caprio, such sexually maladjusted person will not gain happiness through marriage. On the contrary, he says, “the marriage will help to intensify emotional conflict by making the sex problem more acute.” We could imagine the effect on the partner and their Marriage. There is enough reason to conclude that one will lose his sexual attraction toward the partner if there is no satisfactory response to his or her sexual desires. As John Gray wrote, “both men and women would rather get a divorce than stay in passionless marriage.”[77] To keep the spouse faithful one has to be sure to satisfy his or her sexual needs. Even without divorce a sexually dysfunctional couple would have nothing more than one dysfunctional marriage. Even if that is not apparent to them and those surrounding them it will carry its internal complications blocking the couple from reaching complete harmony and spiritual growth.
Sexuality in the Unification Family Therapy
All misconceptions concerning marriage therapy steam from failure to understand the fall of man. Family Therapy would be only partially effective without knowing correctly the root of all problems. Divine Principle acknowledges this as follows:
We have been utterly unable to liquidate the forces of Satan because we have not understood Satan's identity or how he came to exist. To extirpate evil by its root, and thereby end sinful history and usher in an era of goodness, we must first expose the motivation and origin of Satan and recognize the destruction he has wrought in human life.[78]
Further, Divine Principle clarifies that the psychological problem with love and sex originates with the sexual fall of the first human couple, Adam and Eve.
Eve inherited from the Archangel the entire proclivities incidental to his transgression against God when he bound her in blood ties through their sexual relationship. Adam in turn acquired the same inclinations when Eve, assuming the role of the Archangel, bound him in blood ties through their sexual relationship. These proclivities have become the root cause of the fallen inclinations in all people.[79]
Meaning that these sexual proclivities became the root cause of all fallen inclinations in other areas of life. The basic motivation of each relationship, the problems in the communications, etc., all are just results from the unprinciple self-centered sexual proclivities inherited from the first fallen relationship. All family problems are connected with this root problem of sexuality. That is why sexual love is so central to the happiness of the marriage and for the Unification Family Therapy in particular.
Married act of lovemaking was to bring God - the Creator - in unity with the couple. It is the way to crate a common base with God, Rev. Moon maintains:
When Adam and Eve make love is the time God enters the world. God makes love with them. When you make love, if you feel the true lovemaking process is there, then please realize that True Parents and God are there making love with you together.[80]
How the act of love making creates a common base with God? When married people make love together, Swedenburg explains, they are precisely a reiteration of the marriage of divine love and wisdom that created them. When man and woman make love, or when any other sexual creatures do, he continues, it reflects the effort of the divine love and wisdom to unite and to create. After the fall, however, the sexual love that is the very origin of love, life and lineage became without much common base with God. Yet, the Book of Tradition states:
Even though in the fall love was taken and completely dominated by Satan’s false control, it is still in accord with the Principle that God is present to some extent in every giving and receiving action.[81]
Divided between God and Satan Sexual love became a blissful but twisted and painful experience for Eve. Women in the ages either felt used for or they used the sexual act to manipulate men. John Gray writes:
For many of our mothers, sex was something she did for him and not for herself. But now... society is much more accepting for women's sexual needs and desires, women have greater permission to explore and enjoy their sensual side. For many women, a growing interest in sex also reflects their need to find balance within themselves by reconnecting with their feminine side.
Trough this we recognize that today's society is preparing for the time when the original ideal for the human sexuality is to be fulfilled. Finally, God's presence can come into the marriages of the restored through the Blessing humanity.
To clarify the healing role of sexual love in Unification Family Therapy this issue will be further discussed in the next two chapters. Yet, many issues would be left to the prayers and additional study from the side of the Blessed couples.
[1] Sunghwa Publishing co., Ltd. 2000. 119.
[2] Pierre Daco, The Triumph of Psychoanalise (Marabout: Editions Colibri, 1998).
[3] Dae Mo Nim, The Role of a True Wife, p.22.
[4] See Chapter Two, Triangulation.
[5] Random House Webster’s College Dictionary (New York: Random House, 1992).
[6] Sun Myung Moon, Blessing and Ideal Kingdom
[7] Vitz, Paul. Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self- Worship. Grand Rapids , MI
[8] Exposition of the Divine Principle (New York: HAS-UWC 1996), p. 30.
[9] Rev. Sun Myoung Moon – Earthly Life and Spirit World II, (New York: FFWPU 1998), p. 92.
[10] Exposition of the Divine Principle (New York: HAS-UWC 1996), p. 30.
[11] Ibid.
[12] Chapter 2 of Exposition of the Divine Principle – The Human Fall, p.53-78.
[13] John Gray, Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (NY: HarperCollinsPublishers, 1995), p. 3.
[14] Sun Myung Moon, Original Eden 5.27.84
[15] Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families (NY: Franklin Covey Company 1997).
[16]Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families; St. Martin's Griffin , NY
[17] Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families; St. Martin's Griffin , NY
[18] Exposition of the Divine Principle, p. 33.
[19] Dr. Hak Ja Han Moon – The Origin of Peace is God (September 2002).
[20] Here under Unification Family Therapy I have in mind the Unification teachings about family as a whole.
[21] Exposition of the Divine Principle (New York: HAS-UWC 1996), p. 34, 25.
[22] Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families (Franklin Covey Company 1997). 40.
[23] Sun Myung Moon, The fountain of Life (New York: HAS-UWC 1995), p. 148.
[24] Ibid. p. 153.
[25] Humanist Manifesto
[26] BreakPoint with Charles Colson - Commentary #010601 - 6/1/2001
[27] Vitz, Paul. Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self- Worship. Grand Rapids , MI
[28] Ibid., p. 17.
[29] Ibid., p. 28.
[30] I Corinthians 13:7-8.
[31] H.Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson, Raising Self-reliant Children - In a Self-Indulgent World (Rocklin, CA: Prima, 1989), p.155.
[32] James B. Stenson, Upbringing: A Discussion Handbook for Parents of Young Children (Princeton, NJ: Scepter Publishers, 1991).
[33] Hak Ja Han Moon, Women Who Will Take the Leading Role in the Ideal World – June 10, 1992 .
[34] Erich Fromm, Man for Himself (New York: Rinehart, 1947), p. 23.
[35] Rev. San Myong Moon, The Historically Highest Career, November 1, 1983
[36] John Gray, Ph.D., Mars and Venus in Love (New York, Harper Collins 1996), p. 29.
[37] Sun Myung Moon, The Way of Unification (New York, HAS-UWC 1997), p. 186.
[38] Ibid. p. 184.
[39] John Gray, Ph.D., Mars and Venus in Love (New York, Harper Collins 1996), p. 5-9.
[40] John Gray, Ph.D., Mars and Venus in Love (New York, Harper Collins 1996), p. 5-9.
[41] John Gray, Ph.D., Mars and Venus in Love (New York, HarperCollins 1996), p. 30.
[42] Sun Myung Moon, Blessed Family and the Ideal Kingdom
[43] John Gray, Ph.D., Men are from Mars Women are From Venus (New York: HarperCollins 1992), p.48.
[44] Ibid., p.42.
[45] Ibid., p.43.
[46] Sun Myung Moon, True Unification and One World.
[47] Ibid., p.37.
[48] Sun Myung Moon, The Secret of Total Success (Belvedere, Dec. 19, 1982).
[49] Sun Myung Moon, God is Our King And True Parent ( May 8, 2001 ).
[51] Ibid. p. 439.
[52] Sun Myung Moon, Blessed Family and the Ideal Kingdom
[53] “God is Our King And True Parents”, May 8, 2001
[54] Sun Myung Moon, In Search of the Origin of the Universe.
[55] Sun Myung Moon, In Search of the Origin of the Universe -1997.
[56] Vitz, Paul. Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self- Worship. Grand Rapids
[57] Nena O’Neill and George O’Neill, Open Marriage (New York: Evans, 1972), p. 253.
[58] Vitz, Paul. Psychology as Religion: The Cult of Self- Worship. Grand Rapids
[59] John Gray, Ph.D., Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (New York: HarperCollinsPublishers, 1995), p. 3.
[60] Ibid., p.12.
[61] Sun Myung. Moon, In Search of the Origin of the Universe – August 1, 1996 .
[62] Ibid.
[63] Emanuel Swedenborg, Love in Marriage (New York: The Swedenborg Foundation, 1992), p. 52.
[64] Have in mind that in Swedenburg’s time there were not Blessed Families yet to realize that, but now it is to be our earthly goal.
[65] Sun Myung Moon, True Unification and One World – March 30, 1990.
[66] Sun Myung Moon, True Family and World Peace, (New York
[67] Ibid., p. 33.
[68] Dr. Sang Hun Lee, Life in the Spirit World and on Earth (New York: FFWPU, 1998), p. 33.
[69] Sang Hun Lee, Life in the Spirit World and on Earth (New York: FFWPU, 1998), p. 67.
[70] Ibid., p. 68.
[71] David C. Treadway, Ph.D., Learning Their Dance: Changing Some Steps. P. 156.
[72] Ibid. p. 157.
[73] Sidney C. Callahan, Beyond Birth Control; the Christian Experience of Sex (New York: Sheed & Ward, Inc., 1968), p. 141.
[74] Ibid, p. 20.
[75] Ibid., p. 76.
[76] Frank S. Caprio, M.D., The Sexually Adequate Female (New York; The Citadel Press, 1965)
[77] John Gray, Ph.D., Mars and Venus in the Bedroom (New York: HarperCollins 1995), p. 5.
[78] Exposition of the Divine Principle, Chapter 2; The Human Fall, p. 53.
[79] Exposition of the Divine Principle, p. 72.
[80] Sun Myung Moon, Upon his arrival at East Garden December 7, 2000 .
[81] The Book of Tradition.
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